Giving the permission to talk about…

Depression.
It is a pretty ugly thing. It has the power to hurt so many people and ruin lives. I have recently seen two beautiful young women lose their lives from this terrible thing. My stomach instantly sunk when I heard the news and read the words of a mom who just lost her daughter.

How can we start reaching out to these girls before it’s too late? I texted my husband & started writing in my book wondering how we can make a change in this community. How do we shine bright so other lives are saved? How do we come together in a way that can help? I know it would take a lot of bodies and willing people to serve & start being the change, but it starts with ONE.

ONE person who is willing to open up on a topic that so many are embarrassed to admit they struggle with. ONE person to give others the permission to share their stories. It takes ONE person to decide to be the change in hopes that it can save a life.

I don’t know if that one person is me, but I am willing to share my story. I know I have to even though I am worried people will think I share this for attention, which I hope people see is not true. Just trying to share my glimpse into depression in hopes that one person can connect with it.


Depression is a scary thing. It might start off subtle with sad feelings, or a thought here and there about “what if” I wasn’t here. Usually scaring you enough to shake it off, at first. Then one day you are living in a black cloud &  most the time you have no idea how you got there.

You are alive. You smile & tell people you are doing good, but you question if you are telling the truth. You feel numb. It’s the only way to describe it  because you don’t even know the last time you felt. You try to get yourself out of your “funk” and some days are better than others, but it always seems like you come back deeper into the loneliness.

Do you ask for help? No, I think I am fine. I am just a little bummed right now, which is life. Life is freaking hard. Why did I ever thinking adulting would be easy? If it gets worse I will figure it out. Most days seem hard to get out of bed. Why am I so tired? I must not be sleeping well. I really should just go to bed earlier.

Your friends want you to go do something but it is so much easier to say you are busy. You sit on the couch wondering how you got here. Sad, tired, frustrated, but there is NO WAY you are depressed. Life is great. I have a husband, kids, family, church & friends so life is just a little hard right now. I will be fine. I know I will snap out of it soon.

Why are the kids testing my patients? I am not cut out to be a mom…  {enters mom guilt for thinking that}. You get frustrated with the kids, which makes you feel more guilt, which gets you angry, which makes you yell, which makes you feel more guilt and the downward spiral starts. And of course, it is ALL your fault.

And then one day you SNAP.

You are on your way to the city, the kids won’t stop crying & in that moment you really start believing that “what if” I wasn’t here and you believe everyone would be better.

I know my life would be different today if my kids weren’t in the car with me almost a year ago. In that moment life didn’t matter anymore & the world really would be better without an angry screw up of a mom.

Those kids were my saving grace when I decided I didn’t need to be here anymore. They were my wakeup call. I decided to go get help even though I was so embarassed to call anyone. I felt vulnerable and stupid.

I realize that not everyone gets a second chance.

The hollow feeling depression leaves, still haunts me. It is so hard to describe how the world looks once you start getting help. It is like you are living in a body but just kind of letting life pass you by. The sun is out, the wind is blowing and the birds are singing, but it’s dark, you are numb and all you hear are the voices in your head telling you that you are not enough.

But I want you to know YOU ARE ENOUGH and getting help will change your life. The road to getting out of depression is  not easy. There are days where it tries to suck you in, but I promise you, life is so much better with you here.


I remember feeling sad as a kid. I looked back at some of my journals and realized that there were some red flags for depression. It really hit me though with postpartum depression after having Parker. I ended up snapping out of it until Emery was born. About five months into being a mom of two, I was DONE.

I really did believe the world would be better without me. I was angry, I didn’t know if I loved my kids, I was frustrated with my husband, and I started comparing my life to other moms who had their “shit together”, while I was over here trying to peel myself out of bed.

This time of year scares me. It’s about the time of year where we have struggled financially for the last few years, it gets dark and cold so early & the snow can become clostraphobic. It is always around this time of year when I start feeling off. Thankfully I am more aware of it, but it takes a lot to get myself going. I take extra measures with making sure I am giving my body things to help keep my mind straight & I pray, a lot.

In fact the last few days I have been praying a lot and journaling about my feelings. Asking God to remind me how my journey and my story matters. Why I am still feeling stuff from last year, and praying I don’t slip back into another cycle this year. I believe that God has been waiting for the right time to close the door. I think it was waiting for the right time to share my story.

I know without a doubt that God has giving me a social media platform and the name, Her Life Out Loud for a purpose. It is his plan to share my life at the right time. I know today was the day because this all just came out. There was no planning and erasing and trying to sound perfect. I just flowed. No matter what people might say or think of me after this post… I know I am headed in the right direction of encouraging women, and that matters more to me than anything else.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, if you ever feel like you are in the same place I was, and so many others have been call the suicide prevention line. I promise it will be worth it.
1-800-273-8255

My story matters. Your story matters. My life matters. Your life matters. My life is getting to become an open book in hopes it can help one person feel like they are not alone.

YOU ARE ENOUGH!!

** From this picture you would never know that I was going through depression**
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